New year.. Same me

I’m led up in bed, my veins feel like they’re struggling, my brain feels dry, my eyes heavy (not quite an Eminem lyric, i’ll keep working) ha! New years eve was heading to be a night in bed watching films; seen as im 26 later this month and the fact i’ve been rather worst for wear every new years day for the past 6 years maybe it was a time for a break. But no, my best male friend got hold of me just in time to catch me before i got in full ‘old gal i’m taking my bra off and that’s it’ mode and asked what i was doing, to which we decided to go for a couple cocktails and then head to the pub. As you can probably guess from my description on day 2 of hangover land, we got rather intoxicated! Sambuca is not good for you kids! It was a heavy night for me, my colleagues were waking up and wishing me happy new year, my parents were getting up and i hadn’t got to sleep yet! Safe to say having an expresso martini to start when i don’t drink coffee was a bad choice!

That said; despite my condition i was thrilled to be going back to work today, i was bright eyed and bushy tailed once i woke up after my 4 alarms! I was so glad to be back in a routine, having a week off for the holidays has ruined me. Being out in the evenings before christmas and then recovering the days after has left my sleep pattern in tatters! I lay in bed still feeling very dehydrated thinking ‘thank god i made some notes on what to say about new year before NYE’ because my creative juices are not very moist right now!

Last January saw me and one of my best friends write a list of everything we wanted to do in 2018, activities, savings and materialistic things we wanted to own. In the end we did hardly any of it because everything ended up being spontaneous. For me spontanaety means that i loose track of what im spending and my savings get slack. I find that the weeks fill up with random plans and you forget about those adventurous things you wanted to do. Unexpected days and nights are always the best, the pure joy of surprise. 

What has 2018 taught me? I’ve learnt that making plans way in advance mean that they either don’t happen or end up being shit because you’ve bigged them up so much and you know what’s going to happen and thats boring. With the exceptions of holidays and annual events of course! I’ve also learnt that it’s also important to embrace your time alone. I used to get upset when i had no plans and i wanted to go out. When i was in relationships i struggled to spend time alone because i felt like i needed them there to quiet my brain. I’ve been single for just over a year now and im so proud of myself for learning ways of quieting my mind and enjoying my own company. I love doing things by myself now! It’s much less stressful when you’ve only got your self to worry about! #allthesingleladies. I said to myself at the beginning of 2018 ‘if i want to love someone well and have someone love me, i need to love myself first!’, with the help of Gala darling’s book “Radical self love” i kicked myself up the arse with self love. That involved living for me, having fun, chilling out, learning how to be alone and being content with that. I feel like my friendships have gained so much love and my aura lets off sunshine whether im alone or being social, with the few exceptions of bad days. I was going to ask my self what im going to improve about myself and my life in 2019, but to be honest i don’t want to specifically improve anything, i just want to keep going as i am and that will bring its own improvements in time. Ill let you know what they are if and when they happen.

Putting the the joy of personality and anxiety developments to the side; the latter half 2018 was a purely soul destroying moment in life for me as my Grandad passed away in august. Since august my self diagnosed and controlled (and kept quiet from my family) depression and anxiety has been a nightmare. Ive never experienced grief so heavily as i have/ am experiencing for my Grandad, he was truely my human, he looked after me and i looked after him. Ive had to come to terms with something i’ve feared terribly for many many years and never expected to happen so suddenly. Im going to expand on this sometime in another post, but for now on this new year, i reflect on 2018… 

I look at my self/ my year and think to myself ‘damn girl, how have you survived this’ like seriously i dont know how ive managed to get my mind in a place where i know what i’m doing and have it all in order, i know now i’ve got this – for me, for dad, for nan, for my little cousin, for my friends who have been there to hold me up in the worst time of my life entirely; and all the people that saw me crumble at the funeral, im guna make you proud of me.

In the words of ‘5ive’ in 1999 ‘we’ll keep on movin on anyway’ 🙂 haha!

Bring on 2019 bitches!

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